There’s a lot of discussion about planned parenthood and pro-life. I had five children and am delighted I was able to carry each of them, even though each pregnancy worsened.
What’s interesting to note, however, is I was not a planned pregnancy for my mom. My older sister is only 13 months older than I and Mom was not ready! To make matters worse when I was born, I was not the boy she’d hoped for. That piece of information I learned early on and was reminded of it often by my mom!
My dad, from what I was told, was fine with my birth. In fact, it was he who I bonded with as a young person, instead of my mother. While my parents certainly kept and raised me, my mom, from every family who remembers, has commented that she was never happy about my venture into this world.
Mom was never ‘cruel’ to me in the truest sense. She never beat me or locked me in a closet or any of those tangible things; but she seemed to regard me with a level of non-acceptance for nearly as long as I can remember. I didn’t get it when I was young, until about the time I became a teen-ager and the relationship deteriorated even further. That’s when family started sharing—-and that wasn’t to hurt my mom. I just had questions!
I don’t remember being surprised, although I recall feeling horribly hurt and further rejected when I learned the truth. I had one aunt who told me, after I was as an adult, that she’d had loved to adopt me when I was born, but things back then weren’t done like that, and besides, she wasn’t in the position to raise me.
All that said, please understand, I have no anger toward my mom. I guess she did the best she could, given her own feelings. And ultimately, before she passed we had at least a ‘fair’ relationship, although she was always much closer to both my older and younger siblings.
What I know for sure is even if my mom did not plan for me, God did! He created me, and has a specific purpose for my life. He has loved me even before my first heart beat, at about 22 days after conception. He knew the rejection I would feel, and understood it. Even Jesus experienced rejection and that was thousand’s time worse than mine!
He created me to rise above it, and instead of giving me an attitude of resentment and bitterness, he has filled my life with joy and the ability to look at life from the ‘bright side.’ This attitude has sustained me since I was a small child.
But then my husband died. How does a body deal with that? If I can believe I was not born by accident, then I have to also believe I was not ‘left behind’ by accident either! It is quite the detour, however! It’s not what I planned. But even now my life (and yours) has meaning, purpose and divine intention!
I am not invisible or forgotten by God. He still loves me and knows my pain and fears as a widow. My life has changed and sometimes I still question who I am.
But God is still God and I am still here because God is not finished with me yet! My story still matters. And this story is important because it’s about God in my life! Dealing with grief and being a widow doesn’t erase God’s design, it reveals His sustaining grace! I am still His workmanship …on purpose.
When I am following His plan and respond to the calling he’s laid on my heart, then I am fulfilling the purpose he has for my life.
Surviving Together In Loss And Love 
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