Typically I’m a person who is known for their smile. It’s just who I am, and I can smile at a stranger as easily as to someone I haven’t seen in months! But when my Charles passed away, all I could do was cry. And honestly it’s been nearly two years now, and sometimes his passing still makes me cry. It often surprises me now, because it doesn’t seem to be consistent and I’m unprepared when the tears come.
ALONE AND AFRAID
But I remember how in the evening when I’d be on my knees in prayer and unable to speak a word, and just cry. My heart was broken. I was alone, afraid perhaps about the future and just didn’t want him to be gone.
In church, music would start up, I’d open my mouth to sing and instead of a strong steady voice, it was choking, breaking and leaving me gasping for air as the tears again just flowed. I couldn’t stop it, sometimes until the entire singing was over. That also broke my heart because I love to sing!
THERE SHE GOES AGAIN!
The music part of the worship service had always been where I could sing with gusto and a good spirit to my God! I loved that; and here I was just crumpling. I think sometimes as widows, when tears fall uncontrollably we wonder if our grief disappoints God. It’s a quiet fear, but it’s like you can hear Him saying, ‘There she goes again!’ I wonder if that crossed the minds of those around me, although no one ever said it aloud.
We want nothing more than to please God. Yet here we are filled with an unexplainable exhaustion, overwhelmed with questions, and breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. How can this please God? How can I worship when I’m so broken? Where’s my energy, clarity and confidence to feel again?
ONE STEP AT A TIME
The truth is we really do move past that point, one tiny step at a time. It took me quite a few Sundays before I could even complete a single song without tears, a complete prayer or conversation when someone mentioned his name.
Even a necessary phone call to a place of business to discuss some financial matter, no matter how trivial, could cause my voice to break and tears to fall! I’d immediately apologize and say, ‘I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect that.” The person on the other end would say, “Take your time. It’s okay.” And often that person—a total stranger— would invariably cry with me!
DEMONSTRATING DEEP LOVE
God is not surprised with our tears. I’ve heard it said, ‘tears demonstrate a deep love’. God has an even deeper love than we can imagine, than we had with our spouses. He loved us before we were even born! He knew us when our mother carried us, through all our growing up years, our marriage, our successes and our failures.
LEANING INTO HIM
But as His child, he care for us with a profound love we can’t begin to describe. When we keep showing up, even when it hurts or makes no sense, or when we feel like all we do is let Him down, he smiles on us! He is giving us the strength to take another footstep; to listen to his voice; and to follow Him.
It’s not easy. But God doesn’t expect us to be perfect, because we can’t be. He totally wants us to bring all the pieces of our ‘broken into tiny splinters heart’ and give it to him. God sees, God knows, and reaches out to embrace us and all our brokenness when we allow him.
As we heal, one day at a time, leaning into Him, offering Him our lives, healing comes and we can find our voice once more… and we can again sing…and smile!
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